We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
