is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
