I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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