There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize