is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
