I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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