you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I didn't notice because vodka
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
