The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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