Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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