Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
