I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize