Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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