I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it glows. i had to have it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
