How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
