I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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