i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
