I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i drank out of a bidet.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
