Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
