You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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