Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize