when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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