My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
