I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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