I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The air was thick with penises
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
do nipples grow back?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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