I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
