Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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