Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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