I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
