I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
