Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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