I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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