I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
