I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
