Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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