Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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