I need help removing her.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize