o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
