If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
