I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
