Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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