I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I looked at my own cervix.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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