gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
