i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
