belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
