Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dick very happy bro
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