Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
