She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
