Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
