Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
