I just pynch a tree in the face
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
