I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
