he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
