Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
not ubering you a puppy
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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