at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
