The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
