I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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