I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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