I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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