Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I will be naked everywhere
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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