Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
