Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
