i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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